So I've recently started getting together with one of my friends for prayer before Bible study on Wednesday nights. I was telling her that I really struggle to trust that God will actually provide what I am asking him for because I have been praying for 5 years that Andrew would be healed and I'm still a prayin'. Over the next week I had several revelations - I often go long periods of time without remembering the things that we have come through with Andrew - the smearing poop all over the walls and carpet - the fact that he couldn't talk at 3 and screamed at us all the time - the fact he never slept - we couldn't use a drill without a total freekout - and of course the most embarassing moments of my life in several Target store isles with the "Control your child you sucky mom" looks. And then seeing the progress of other children with autism I know - who are doing some, not all, but some of the same things we are doing - and they are not progressing anywhere near the rate that Andrew has.
There have been little miracles.....speech, eye contact, "Mommy I love you" moments after an apology, sleeping, and now only three therapy sessions left before discharge. I may not ever see the "Big One" - the moment I have been asking for - the autism gone miracle......but I can now see the little ones, the ones that I cannot see or appreciate until I look back at the difficult times. Yes, I tend to not look back, it was a very painful time and a time I did not draw strength from God to get through. It is embarassing to even question God's provision in my life or in the life of my son - but sometimes our perspective is off. I'm realizing, that if I am ever questioning God's ability or willingness to be faithful, I need only to recall our past, and then procede into my future being faithful to Him. Trust and me don't always mesh, but through prayer and andrew's journey I believe that God will draw me into the intimate relationship that I so desire and in that real father/daughter relationship I will no longer struggle with trusting Him. I will climb in his lap and look into his face and know, truely know that he's got it all covered.
Thank you Stina for drawing me out - for challenging me - and for all your prayer!