Monday, November 30, 2009


So I've been rather lacking in the blogging department these days. Seems like I most need to get things off my chest when I am struggling - usually with Andrew. The truth is, I have been convicted lately to love and embrace Andrew for who he is, who God created him to be, and not who I want him to be. It is easy for me to continue to push him in the direction I want him and completely miss out on who he is and what he has to offer.

We had a kinda bad night on Friday - a fight with him sitting BUCK NAKED on the steps at his grandparents house..... and he was naked because he knows it makes us mad when he does that. Anyway, we spent some time calming him and helping him pray through his high anxiety. Seemed to be fine the rest of the night. The next morning I was exhasted since Court had been throwing up every 30 min all night long, he came in my room...said "I love you Mom"...kissed me on the cheek...and waited for me to return his kiss. I knew it was a special moment with him - ones that almost never happen. He initiated some Andrew love and I gladly embraced it. Eric later said that he was very conversational all morning. And as if he could read my mind..(What did we do different yesterday? What did or didn't he eat? What supplements did we miss? Etc..) ..which often he can....he said "I guess we should just say a prayer of thanks instead of trying to figure out what we did differently to make it happen."

I'm learning to except the moments - and try to balance the "helping him improve" and "loving him for who he is". Who knew life was going to be so darned complicated!

Smack -

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Prayer and Petition

So I'm doing a book study at church again this year and this year's book is "Having a Mary heart in a Martha World." Oh so a book I need to be reading.

This weeks chapter was on worry. As I started the beginning of the chapter I figured "I so don't have a worry problem, this isn't me." But as I got deeper into the chapter it talked about fear playing a similar role. Fear is something I am very comfortable in...something I have lived in for the last 6 1/2 years. Every month, every day, sometimes even every hour is a guessing game with Andrew. What will help him today, what will set him off, when will this regression end or will he slip further into it. I'd like to think that I after all this time I have my act together - that I've learned to lean on my Savior instead of focus on the what'ifs or how'comes. But in truth, I haven't.

The book had some aha excerps for me today. "Jesus knew that a life filled with fear has little room left for faith. And whithout faith, we can niether please God nor draw close to him for the comfort and guidance we need to face the cares and affairs of everyday life." and " is the view that God has somehow lost control of the situation and we cannot trust Him."

Both of these were instant underliners. I am tired of trying to fix him on my own, but feel if I ask God isn't going to fix him anyway so I might as well keep trying. I know in my head that if I just let go of the fixing and just put my faith in him, that He will give me the peace I long for and the ability to not fear the future with him or what he is going through.

So, this last exerpt is what I shall try to do. "When we decide to pray instead of worry-when we choose to have a grateful heart in not-so-great circumstances- then the peace of God comes and takes us into "protective custody". It stands guard at the door of our heart, transcending, surpassing, and confounding our own human understanding, bringing us peace."

I'm asking for prayer - that I can stop trying to fix - and allow God to bring me peace within the storm. And please continue to pray for Andrew - his Awana leader said he is a different kid this year and not in a good is so hard to keep hearing and seeing his spiral downward. I want him better, but more so I want to have a better relationship with Christ so it doesn't matter what Andrew does or says or is....I can accept it because I am confident in my Savior and his ability to give me peace. I know I can get there....I know all I have to do is remember to ask.......