Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Freak Vegetables

This year we participated in a farm coop and recieved a box of various in seasonal veggies. Our last box had several large, which would be a dramatic understatement, veggies. I didn't even know what they were but figured I'd figure it out eventually. I started cutting into the thing below wondering what it was and thought it should be safe to put in soup and not taste no matter what it was. I peeled it and then smelled it - it had a cabbagey smell. Then I decided to taste it..... Radish. This was on huge, honkin, monsterous radish. I almost couldn't believe it. I put the salt shaker next to it so you could see how big it is - it is one of the most beautiful veggies I have actually seen. Once sliced it was a marvel.
We also received a bag of potatoes from my father in law. In the bag we came across what I named "Larry Boy" and decided we couldn't eat him.... God does have a sense of humor.


I went on Monday to my parents house to water my mom's plants in the greenhouse. And as I drove up the driveway I saw my old neighbors garage door open. They were like a second family to me and the daughter that I was closest to died in a car accident in 1999 so I haven't seen much of them during my married life. I decided not to go visit since I was in my PJ's and hadn't even brushed my hair. I proceeded up to water the plants, pick out some new books from the Israelson Christian Library (thanks mom) and then decided to grab their mail. The mailbox is on the otherside of the car and it was freezing so I decided to pull in the nieghbors driveway and turn around. I pulled in and just kept going - up I went despite my disheveled appearance. I knocked on the door and found a smiling Corby with open arms telling me how great is was to see me. It was only a few minutes before I unfolded the story of our night before with Andrew and as I broke down I knew she was just the person I was supposed to see that morning. The things she has had to endure since Kendra's death has brought her to such a close relationship with Christ and that is what I want. We hugged and prayed and she shared with me that about a year and a half ago she had felt in several specific situations that she was to praise him, literally. So she decided to start rising early in the morning to sing praise songs and read aloud scripture. She gave me one of her books that she had prepared with all the songs and scriptures that went along with the lyrics. I thought, well, I'm not much for getting up early but I guess we can try something like that.

Yesterday I rose an hour early feeling terrible but got up anyway. I sang and read those scriptures for almost an hour and then got the kids ready for school. I can't say I felt much yesterday though we had no major outbursts with Andrew. I was exhasted, must have taken three naps. By bedtime I hadn't picked up my bible or spent much more time in prayer but decided to read a chrisitan novel till I couldn't keep my eyes open. I didn't know at 8pm when I started chapter 1 that it would extend until 2am when I finished the book - I know, I need to quit reading - I just can't put books down :) Anyway, I set my alarm for the normal time and decided I would do my singing time while Court was at school - I knew 5 hours of sleep was already going to be a really bad deal. I haven't slept well in almost two months and the fatigue was starting to set in again.

I awoke this morning to my alarm at 7:20 - totally refreshed - totally renewed - ready for the day. Despite Andrew's inccesent chant that he did not want the bagel with the sunflower butter on it "Its a Stink" I was filled with patience, I didn't raise my voice or show frustraition. I had peace - an unexplainable by all circumstances should have been tired and crabby beyond measure peace.

I have spent much of my morning - singing praises or in prayer - mingled with housework. I am not any happier about my situation, but I am at peace in this day. I am feeling my time with God produced someting in a way that has alluded me for quite some time.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers - I believe that as I continue to draw near to him he will show me more and more of himself. Please keep praying for Andrew, that he would find peace and rest at bedtime, that he would heal the bodily functions that keep him from being able to eat right, that he would heal his brain from the things that don't function properly.

Sunday, October 26, 2008


What started as a fun game of Dora (Candyland type game) ended with this mess and my heartbroken. We had such a great summer with Andrew. No Level 1 (abusive) behaviors and he seemed to be on track to living a fairly normal life. But the last four to six weeks have been a slow regression back to days I was certain I would never have to experience again. My struggles with feeling God's lack of invovlement in my personal life are not being improved by our latest battle with Autism. Lately I feel that Andrew may have an alter ego living inside his little brain and when that alter ego hears the word "no" or "don't" he rears his ugly head and takes over our little boys body. The shouting of "Stupid Girl", "Darn it", "You're a Stink", other hurtful words are thrown non-stop and eventually comes to something physical. Tonight was a kick to the stomach. We escorted him to his room and proceeded to take most anything out of there we thought he could hurt himself with and locked the door until he could calm down. After a good half an hour of screaming hurtful things, and throwing anything we left in his room. He started to yell he was sorry, that he would be good now, to please let him out. We opened the door to find the above mess - his bedding all thrown off the bed and the mattress thrown on the floor, wallpaper ripped off the walls and he had urinated on the floor. Why God, why do I have to experience this all again - why when I am already feeling so far away from you do you let something happen that make me feel even more like you are not here, not helping, not watching out, I feel let down again. Left to wonder what I did to deserve this - why I can't help my little boy - why I have to watch him suffer. I am going to fast this week - I am going to pray for my son - and I am going to trust that God will meet me where I am at. And most of all I am going to believe that he will remove the alter ego that has no place in our home.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

My baby

I awoke from my Sunday couch nap to courtney pushing buttons on the microwave - uhhhhh I thought -- now what it is she doing.

Courtney, what are you doing? I asked. I'm warming up my soup but I don't know how. Now since I was 4 I have been cooking - at least that's what I'm told - why can't my almost six year old figure out the microwave I'm thinking. So I yell, find the COOK button - she pushes something and then another ten buttons and then says now what. I tell her to find the START button - I don't know where that is she says. I finally get up - frustrated and head to the microwave to teach her how to use it. We warm up the soup - and then I head back to the couch.

She came down a few minutes later and I apologize for being crabby. She said, I don't think your crabby, why are you crabby. I told her my head hurt and that I was sick. She said, "Well then we need to pray and ask Jesus to help you feel better. I will pray for you right now." She did just that and gave me a big hug. There have been many of times I have struggled with God wondering why Courtney just couldn't get it - why she was not doing what her peirs were doing. But God is faithful and she is coming into a place where she is starting to understand that God is in control and that we need him. I am grateful for her and am having to remind myself alot that she will soon be all grown up and I need to cherrish her and build an amazing relationship now so that we will be close when she is older.


There are somethings you just wish you had never learned. "The Human Diploid Cell" component in many vaccines is one of those things. Now I know it has been assumed by many that we are totally anti-vaccine in our fam, but really that isn't the case. However, when I learned that many of the vaccines our kids are getting contain aborted fetus cells listed as "human diploid cells" on the ingredient list I was saddened. God may have used briliant scientists to create vaccines, but would he really be okay with us using something that was created with an aborted fetus? There are many vaccines out there with an "ethical" alternative to the vaccines with the aborted fetus lines in them - I encourage you to ask for them and not support those vaccines which originated from an abortion.

Here is a chart with all the vaccines with "human diploid cell" lines and a list of the alternatives available. All made from normal vaccine companies.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Before and After

So the final unveiling is here:




BBQ Area:
Eating Area:
Fireplace/Sitting Area:

Now to sound like the "Oscars" - thank you Kory and Luke for your brut strength and ground know-how. Thank you Bryan for the electrical smarts and super installation of all my electrical desires :). Thank you Susu and Joy for spending two full days with all the kids and trying to keep half the backyard off the kitchen floor, oh and also for letting your husbands ignore you for two days. Most of all thank you Skills Man for "making me" do the project and then working four straight days to make it perfect. I love you.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


12 hours of digging, laying patio stone, building retaining walls, sweeping pea gravel, concrete cutting....can't feel my fingertips and oh so tired.....

Check back for before and after photos.