OK - so going almost a year without a post is pathetic.....obviously writing is not my calling. But on occasion I feel compelled to jot down what I feel the Holy Spirit is rolling around my head.
I read a devotional tonight - and at the end of each day it usually tells you to do something. Something related to the insight and scripture for that day. Today it talked about God giving each of us a lane to run.... and how trying to run in someone else's lane messes up your race and disrupts the race of others around you. The end response told me to "Tell a friend what lane God has given you." Now I have found that it's a 50/50 chance I"m even going to be able to answer the questions they tell me to ask myself each night. Which leads me to a whole other topic, I'm not sure I really know that much about who I am or why I do what I do. Sounds kinda silly, who doesn't know themselves? Apparently me. I had a bit of a vision though play through my head as I pondered what lane God has given me. I feel like I started this race of life and then smack dab in the middle, I stopped, blindfolded myself and started spinning in circles till I was dizzy. I guess that is where I find myself right now - I don't know what lane I'm supposed to be in - don't know what way I'm even supposed to be pointed.
So the question of the night truly should be - what's my blindfold and how do I remove it? I am well aware my self-reliant attitude makes all of the things God wishes to teach me beyond difficult. I'm always reminding the kids to have a teachable spirit.....but I"m sure not very good at it either. A couple nights ago, the question was " list three things you are good at, and one thing you are passionate about." Yeah, couldn't answer that one either... I did think of a couple things I'm good at, but I feel like my lack of FEELING has left me with no passion. How sad is that.
So, all that being said. This weeks prayers shall be focused on two things. That God would stir a passion in me. Something I can't explain, but is undeniably a passion and second that he would show me what has become my blindfold and why I put it there in the first place. I want to finish the race - IN MY LANE. I'm tired of distractions and spinning around. Man, motherhood makes me feel like I'm actually racing carrying everything that goes with the job.... the diaper bag.... the extra clothes.... the snacks.... the blanket and stuffed animals.... don't forget the baby monitor. No wonder I'm spinning in circles. No one can run a race carrying all that junk. I get it, I get it.... hand the junk to Jesus and keep moving forward. I feel like God has to remind me ALOT that I don't have to do it all. Hoping as I get to know Jesus....really know him for who is to me, instead of who I think he is... that I won't be so apt to try and live life like I have to handle it all myself. I'm grateful I never left the track....but it's time to run with clear vision of the lane that is MY lane. I don't need someone else's amazing shoes or sleek running outfit, or someone else's coach or fans. I need to start by thanking Him he chose me to race.
"Thank you Jesus for choosing me to race!"