Special moments should be written down - and I had one of those moments with Tanner today. He wanted to join me for an office/errands run this morning and we were having a Mommy/5 year old discussion in the van on the way to the office.
"Mommy, I love you. You are so pretty." he says from the very back of the van. Now this phrase I hear at least 10 times a day. It started about 2 weeks ago - and I'm pretty sure it's straight from the Holy Spirit as I have been walking through my identity lately. He is constantly reminding me he loves me and that I'm so pretty. "I love you too sweet boy." I say. "Courtney said when I was born you had tears of joy. Did you do anything else?" he asks. "No, not really. But I named you." I replied. "You did? Why not daddy?" he says. "Because I wanted to, you are my special buddy." I said. Then he asks, "Why did you name me Tanner? What is a Tanner?"
It took this mommy a little bit to compose my response. Why did I name him Tanner? At the time I didn't have any particular reason aside from I loved the name and Eric tolerated it. So I told him "A tanner is someone who takes an animal hide and turns it into leather." I'm not sure he understood that at all. And then this came out....... "a tanner takes something dead and broken and turns it into something beautiful and useful."
It was a mighty, Holy Spirit, AHA moment for me. Now, I do know why I named him Tanner.... God gave me that name for him, because that is exactly what this little, amazing boy has done for me. He has replaced the dead emotions, broken dreams and sad places with joy, love and wonder. I no longer remember most of the brutally hard memories of Andrew's childhood, I believe a gift from God. But Tanner is replacing all those "cleared memories" with new ones of all the milestones, affection, and moments between a mommy and son that I was unable to get from my little boy with Autism. I'll be honest, a 3rd child was not in my playbook - I was too afraid - I was absolutely petrified of going through any of the previous 8 years again - but God knew what was best for me. God knew "my Tanner" would bring healing, restore the broken places and most of all teach me how to love again. He cuddles, and kisses, plays with my ear lobes, and strokes my face. He lays with me each morning and tells me he loves me incessantly. He is EXACTLY what my mommy heart needed and I know, without a doubt, he wasn't named Tanner just because..... he was given that name because he came into this world to an emotionally dead and broken mommy and helped my heart into something beautiful and useful.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Monday, January 20, 2014
Stay in Your Lane
OK - so going almost a year without a post is pathetic.....obviously writing is not my calling. But on occasion I feel compelled to jot down what I feel the Holy Spirit is rolling around my head.
I read a devotional tonight - and at the end of each day it usually tells you to do something. Something related to the insight and scripture for that day. Today it talked about God giving each of us a lane to run.... and how trying to run in someone else's lane messes up your race and disrupts the race of others around you. The end response told me to "Tell a friend what lane God has given you." Now I have found that it's a 50/50 chance I"m even going to be able to answer the questions they tell me to ask myself each night. Which leads me to a whole other topic, I'm not sure I really know that much about who I am or why I do what I do. Sounds kinda silly, who doesn't know themselves? Apparently me. I had a bit of a vision though play through my head as I pondered what lane God has given me. I feel like I started this race of life and then smack dab in the middle, I stopped, blindfolded myself and started spinning in circles till I was dizzy. I guess that is where I find myself right now - I don't know what lane I'm supposed to be in - don't know what way I'm even supposed to be pointed.
So the question of the night truly should be - what's my blindfold and how do I remove it? I am well aware my self-reliant attitude makes all of the things God wishes to teach me beyond difficult. I'm always reminding the kids to have a teachable spirit.....but I"m sure not very good at it either. A couple nights ago, the question was " list three things you are good at, and one thing you are passionate about." Yeah, couldn't answer that one either... I did think of a couple things I'm good at, but I feel like my lack of FEELING has left me with no passion. How sad is that.
So, all that being said. This weeks prayers shall be focused on two things. That God would stir a passion in me. Something I can't explain, but is undeniably a passion and second that he would show me what has become my blindfold and why I put it there in the first place. I want to finish the race - IN MY LANE. I'm tired of distractions and spinning around. Man, motherhood makes me feel like I'm actually racing carrying everything that goes with the job.... the diaper bag.... the extra clothes.... the snacks.... the blanket and stuffed animals.... don't forget the baby monitor. No wonder I'm spinning in circles. No one can run a race carrying all that junk. I get it, I get it.... hand the junk to Jesus and keep moving forward. I feel like God has to remind me ALOT that I don't have to do it all. Hoping as I get to know Jesus....really know him for who is to me, instead of who I think he is... that I won't be so apt to try and live life like I have to handle it all myself. I'm grateful I never left the track....but it's time to run with clear vision of the lane that is MY lane. I don't need someone else's amazing shoes or sleek running outfit, or someone else's coach or fans. I need to start by thanking Him he chose me to race.
"Thank you Jesus for choosing me to race!"
I read a devotional tonight - and at the end of each day it usually tells you to do something. Something related to the insight and scripture for that day. Today it talked about God giving each of us a lane to run.... and how trying to run in someone else's lane messes up your race and disrupts the race of others around you. The end response told me to "Tell a friend what lane God has given you." Now I have found that it's a 50/50 chance I"m even going to be able to answer the questions they tell me to ask myself each night. Which leads me to a whole other topic, I'm not sure I really know that much about who I am or why I do what I do. Sounds kinda silly, who doesn't know themselves? Apparently me. I had a bit of a vision though play through my head as I pondered what lane God has given me. I feel like I started this race of life and then smack dab in the middle, I stopped, blindfolded myself and started spinning in circles till I was dizzy. I guess that is where I find myself right now - I don't know what lane I'm supposed to be in - don't know what way I'm even supposed to be pointed.
So the question of the night truly should be - what's my blindfold and how do I remove it? I am well aware my self-reliant attitude makes all of the things God wishes to teach me beyond difficult. I'm always reminding the kids to have a teachable spirit.....but I"m sure not very good at it either. A couple nights ago, the question was " list three things you are good at, and one thing you are passionate about." Yeah, couldn't answer that one either... I did think of a couple things I'm good at, but I feel like my lack of FEELING has left me with no passion. How sad is that.
So, all that being said. This weeks prayers shall be focused on two things. That God would stir a passion in me. Something I can't explain, but is undeniably a passion and second that he would show me what has become my blindfold and why I put it there in the first place. I want to finish the race - IN MY LANE. I'm tired of distractions and spinning around. Man, motherhood makes me feel like I'm actually racing carrying everything that goes with the job.... the diaper bag.... the extra clothes.... the snacks.... the blanket and stuffed animals.... don't forget the baby monitor. No wonder I'm spinning in circles. No one can run a race carrying all that junk. I get it, I get it.... hand the junk to Jesus and keep moving forward. I feel like God has to remind me ALOT that I don't have to do it all. Hoping as I get to know Jesus....really know him for who is to me, instead of who I think he is... that I won't be so apt to try and live life like I have to handle it all myself. I'm grateful I never left the track....but it's time to run with clear vision of the lane that is MY lane. I don't need someone else's amazing shoes or sleek running outfit, or someone else's coach or fans. I need to start by thanking Him he chose me to race.
"Thank you Jesus for choosing me to race!"
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Love
Love is one of those areas I struggle with. God's love - even more of a mystery to me. It's really annoying to KNOW something exists, but to not be able to really grasp it. So after all the kids were tucked away and hubby off to bed - I came downstairs to pray. I like to sit in the dark, in front of the fireplace, but I wasn't much in the mood to pray. I dislike one ended conversations, and I'm so struggling right now to figure out intimacy with God. I decided to listen to a recording of a message I heard in Hawaii in January. The speaker was the author of a book I read a couple years ago. It was his biography about his imprisionment in Iran, and it was such a powerful book. I couldn't wait to get to hear him speak in person and hear more about his story. The message was one I felt was spoken specifically for me that night. So I was really happy when I found someone who had recorded it so I could listen to it again. The theme of the whole message was about God's love for us - intimacy - His desire to show us in all circumstances His love.
When I think of love I have several not-great examples pop into my mind. Unhealthy relationships I was surrounded by growing up, an ex-boyfriend who treated me poorly, each memory left me feeling unloved. Don't get me wrong - I have the most amazing husband. He has loved me through thick and thin for the last 15 1/2 years, but he was not the picture of love that my heart was holding onto.
I remembered during some prayer counseling last year that processing this stuff requires forgiving those who mistreated you or who didn't be who they should have been, to forgive myself for letting it have the control it had, and I asked God for a new picture of love. One that would be so powerful, that whenever the word was said or seen - this new picture would be what comes to my mind and heart.
The picture I got was not one I expected. I wanted something with ME in it. Some grand painting with me as the center. But what I saw was probably the most intense and powerful moments of my life thus far. Even though it was two years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday. Eric standing next to our bed, crying out to God to give breath to our baby boy. Tears running down his face, pleading in prayer on behalf of our newborn recieiving CPR just across the bed from him. He didn't even know this little life that was laying there yet. This tiny being didn't have a name, and had yet to open his little eyes or take his first breath. Yet, Eric loved him so much, not even a room of strangers in police or paramedic uniforms could keep him from crying out to God with total abandon and passion on behalf of his child. It was a very powerful night, but instead of the shock and fear I carried from that night - God has given me a picture of love.
Now that I have my new picture, the challenge will be to start seeing God as being that passionate for me. To stop seeing those who fell short, or who disappointed or hurt me, but to see God's love for me through Eric at Tanner's birth. I don't know why I have placed walls up that keep me from intimacy, but I do know that I am praying for Jesus to reveal them to me, so I get to that place with Him I so desire.
When I think of love I have several not-great examples pop into my mind. Unhealthy relationships I was surrounded by growing up, an ex-boyfriend who treated me poorly, each memory left me feeling unloved. Don't get me wrong - I have the most amazing husband. He has loved me through thick and thin for the last 15 1/2 years, but he was not the picture of love that my heart was holding onto.
I remembered during some prayer counseling last year that processing this stuff requires forgiving those who mistreated you or who didn't be who they should have been, to forgive myself for letting it have the control it had, and I asked God for a new picture of love. One that would be so powerful, that whenever the word was said or seen - this new picture would be what comes to my mind and heart.
The picture I got was not one I expected. I wanted something with ME in it. Some grand painting with me as the center. But what I saw was probably the most intense and powerful moments of my life thus far. Even though it was two years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday. Eric standing next to our bed, crying out to God to give breath to our baby boy. Tears running down his face, pleading in prayer on behalf of our newborn recieiving CPR just across the bed from him. He didn't even know this little life that was laying there yet. This tiny being didn't have a name, and had yet to open his little eyes or take his first breath. Yet, Eric loved him so much, not even a room of strangers in police or paramedic uniforms could keep him from crying out to God with total abandon and passion on behalf of his child. It was a very powerful night, but instead of the shock and fear I carried from that night - God has given me a picture of love.
Now that I have my new picture, the challenge will be to start seeing God as being that passionate for me. To stop seeing those who fell short, or who disappointed or hurt me, but to see God's love for me through Eric at Tanner's birth. I don't know why I have placed walls up that keep me from intimacy, but I do know that I am praying for Jesus to reveal them to me, so I get to that place with Him I so desire.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Worth
Tonight I am feeling worthless, unwanted and alone.
I cry my eyes out on the steps in the shadows.
I come in and cuddle my sleeping baby,
The one I know who gazes at me with love and admiration.
So different from the words and looks of most the others.
I miss my husband, I miss words of encouragement.
I miss gestures that show I have value and am loved.
I know this trip has purpose, this trial has purpose,
But I spend each night in tears, hurting and alone.
Little help with the kids, but plenty of things to be said about them.
So many biting comments, rude looks and fake interactions.
I want real and I want to feel wanted.
God says to me, "I want you - you have value to me."
I will cling to that - four more days.
I cry my eyes out on the steps in the shadows.
I come in and cuddle my sleeping baby,
The one I know who gazes at me with love and admiration.
So different from the words and looks of most the others.
I miss my husband, I miss words of encouragement.
I miss gestures that show I have value and am loved.
I know this trip has purpose, this trial has purpose,
But I spend each night in tears, hurting and alone.
Little help with the kids, but plenty of things to be said about them.
So many biting comments, rude looks and fake interactions.
I want real and I want to feel wanted.
God says to me, "I want you - you have value to me."
I will cling to that - four more days.
Friday, January 25, 2013
AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa
The last two days have been hard to put it mildly. Courtney is refusing to put any effort into her schoolwork - and Andrew has turned into his evil alter-ego each night at bedtime. It is so much harder dealing with them when I am alone, so to speak. Yes there are 4 other adults in this condo - but none who are feeling like a total failure as a parent right now.
With no where else to go, because all of us are sleeping in one room, there is no escaping Andrew and that is by far the hardest thing for me. I finally had to leave - just let the kids run/act crazy in the closed room while I go out and walk around the parking lot. Not exactly the quiet seclusion I need - but the best I could do at the moment. I put on some music and listened to several new songs Eric had recently purchased. Sobbing, I sat down on the curb in a darkened shadow of a palm tree and the following song came on. I've never heard it before - but might as well have been coming from my heart.
"Find You On My Knees"
Kari Jobe
As I sit here and write this - things are no better. Andrew is being beyond difficult - and I have no means of making it better. But I know I'm not alone, that peace and patience come from Him and since I have asked, He will provide.
With no where else to go, because all of us are sleeping in one room, there is no escaping Andrew and that is by far the hardest thing for me. I finally had to leave - just let the kids run/act crazy in the closed room while I go out and walk around the parking lot. Not exactly the quiet seclusion I need - but the best I could do at the moment. I put on some music and listened to several new songs Eric had recently purchased. Sobbing, I sat down on the curb in a darkened shadow of a palm tree and the following song came on. I've never heard it before - but might as well have been coming from my heart.
"Find You On My Knees"
Kari Jobe
Troubles chasing me again,
Breaking down my best defence,
I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you
Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head.
I'm longing, God I'm longing for you
But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.
So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
What if heartache still remains,
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cause You are faithful and
I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees, my knees.
When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that
You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,
Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.
Breaking down my best defence,
I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you
Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head.
I'm longing, God I'm longing for you
But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.
So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
What if heartache still remains,
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cause You are faithful and
I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees, my knees.
When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that
You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,
Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.
As I sit here and write this - things are no better. Andrew is being beyond difficult - and I have no means of making it better. But I know I'm not alone, that peace and patience come from Him and since I have asked, He will provide.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
God's Love
Hawaii 2013..... for those of you who know me well, you know Hawaii is my place of spiritual rejuvination. And though this is something that I desperatly need right now - I have my three children with me this time and am living in a three bedroom condo with 11 other people. Not exactly the restful, reflective atmosphere that I usually have when I come here.
Homeschool duties, cooking, constant cleaning up, bedtime battles.... the list of duties is endless and there is rarely a moment to myself. I just kept asking myself "How am I going to find God in the mayhem, when I can't even get alone for 15 minutes to read my bible and I'm beyond tired by the time the kids go down?" But last night, a friend of my sister/brother in law was speaking to a group of older people down on the YWAM campus. I had read this man's book about his experiences being imprisioned in Iran. I loved the book and my mom offered to take the kids so I could go.
Yay, finally an hour or so of time to get away and maybe, just maybe get a little spiritual refreshment. My prayers regarding this trip have thus far focused on my being able to develop intimacy in my walk with God, an ability to feel his love and his presence. So what do you think this talk was on.... his story intertwined with God's love and desire for intimacy with us. We talked with Dan ( the speaker) before he left for the meeting and my brother-in-law Kory asked him what he was talking on. Dan said he didn't know yet - God would take care of it. So when that topic thoroughly weaved itself into his message- all I could think was "Thank you God, you did this just for me. You knew my time was limited. You knew my time with you is sparse, and you gave me just what I needed."
At the end of the message he asked those who want more of Jesus, to feel real intimacy with Him, to stand so he could pray for them. I shot up like a cannon! I've learned that when I'm here, there is no hemming and haaaaing about throwing yourself into what God is prompting you to do. Do it, and he will answer. It is what I want - it is my prayer for this trip and though I can't say I had any immediate feeling of change. I did cry out to him, surrender, and ask the barriers I have to be broken so I can walk closely with him in a new and amazing way.
I believing that starting last night, my walk with God will only grow deeper, stronger, and more intimate!
Homeschool duties, cooking, constant cleaning up, bedtime battles.... the list of duties is endless and there is rarely a moment to myself. I just kept asking myself "How am I going to find God in the mayhem, when I can't even get alone for 15 minutes to read my bible and I'm beyond tired by the time the kids go down?" But last night, a friend of my sister/brother in law was speaking to a group of older people down on the YWAM campus. I had read this man's book about his experiences being imprisioned in Iran. I loved the book and my mom offered to take the kids so I could go.
Yay, finally an hour or so of time to get away and maybe, just maybe get a little spiritual refreshment. My prayers regarding this trip have thus far focused on my being able to develop intimacy in my walk with God, an ability to feel his love and his presence. So what do you think this talk was on.... his story intertwined with God's love and desire for intimacy with us. We talked with Dan ( the speaker) before he left for the meeting and my brother-in-law Kory asked him what he was talking on. Dan said he didn't know yet - God would take care of it. So when that topic thoroughly weaved itself into his message- all I could think was "Thank you God, you did this just for me. You knew my time was limited. You knew my time with you is sparse, and you gave me just what I needed."
At the end of the message he asked those who want more of Jesus, to feel real intimacy with Him, to stand so he could pray for them. I shot up like a cannon! I've learned that when I'm here, there is no hemming and haaaaing about throwing yourself into what God is prompting you to do. Do it, and he will answer. It is what I want - it is my prayer for this trip and though I can't say I had any immediate feeling of change. I did cry out to him, surrender, and ask the barriers I have to be broken so I can walk closely with him in a new and amazing way.
I believing that starting last night, my walk with God will only grow deeper, stronger, and more intimate!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Obedience
So I realize it has been a really...really...really long time since I have posted anything. The thought has crossed my mind maybe twice since then that I should post an update, but just never got around to it.
I can honestly say life is pretty chaotic right now. Between homeschooling Court, chasing around Tanner (whose favorite phrase right now is "I tooted"), dealing with dietary issues for all three kids, keeping up with housework, working through life changes and heartaches of friends, and feeling all around exhausted almost every minute of every day - I'm not left with much to say by the end of the day. But I shall try to think of something profound to share with those of you who actually continue to check this...smile.
The last 12 months have been really hard in some ways, and so full of blessings in others. Eric has become such a strong spiritual leader in our home this year and I am so proud of him for the man of God he is becoming. I know that our family will be impacted in soooo many ways, by his obedience and heart for the Lord. He went to Israel in April with my dad, brother and Kory (bro-in-law) and loved it. Recently we decided that he would be going to Swaziland, Africa in December on a missions trip with our church. One of the reasons we chose River Valley (and there are many), was that they offered at least one mission trip (most overseas) each month. With so many opportunties, you don't really have an excuse not to find one that draws you in. We threw around me taking a trip in 2013 and I was interested in China or Spain. No real good reason, but sounded interesting. However, I recieved a text this afternoon from a close friend who saw God orchestrating her to go on the trip to Cuba in March and she asked if I wanted to come along. I got goosebumps - not sure if it was because I was so excited to see what God is doing in her life or if it was because I am indeed supposed to go. But Eric and I discussed it - or rather Eric said - let's sign you up 3 seconds after her text - and we decided that I would go. This has been a crazy week.
I spent the weekend at our church's Women's Coference called "Sparkle" and I could have stayed there for a month if they ran it that long. I have been so dry and wiped out, that being there, worshiping with 1000 other women felt like standing in a rolling river and I just wanted to keep drinking it in. If anyone wants to hear 3 amazing, amazing messages you should check them out at RiverValley.org - media page. There will be a banner for Sparkle - Charllotte Gambil. I was with two other women - both at really hard stages of life - completely different from my own, but equally touched and renewed by the experience. Anyway, part of what I came away with is that I have to step out of my comfort zone and go do. It helps my hubby is almost pushing me out the door - but I'm actually not afraid - I'm excited and I know these trips will only lead us closer to God, and spurn us to do more, love more, take care of others more, and do so many of the things that we aren't doing enough of.
Go do my friends....go do!
I can honestly say life is pretty chaotic right now. Between homeschooling Court, chasing around Tanner (whose favorite phrase right now is "I tooted"), dealing with dietary issues for all three kids, keeping up with housework, working through life changes and heartaches of friends, and feeling all around exhausted almost every minute of every day - I'm not left with much to say by the end of the day. But I shall try to think of something profound to share with those of you who actually continue to check this...smile.
The last 12 months have been really hard in some ways, and so full of blessings in others. Eric has become such a strong spiritual leader in our home this year and I am so proud of him for the man of God he is becoming. I know that our family will be impacted in soooo many ways, by his obedience and heart for the Lord. He went to Israel in April with my dad, brother and Kory (bro-in-law) and loved it. Recently we decided that he would be going to Swaziland, Africa in December on a missions trip with our church. One of the reasons we chose River Valley (and there are many), was that they offered at least one mission trip (most overseas) each month. With so many opportunties, you don't really have an excuse not to find one that draws you in. We threw around me taking a trip in 2013 and I was interested in China or Spain. No real good reason, but sounded interesting. However, I recieved a text this afternoon from a close friend who saw God orchestrating her to go on the trip to Cuba in March and she asked if I wanted to come along. I got goosebumps - not sure if it was because I was so excited to see what God is doing in her life or if it was because I am indeed supposed to go. But Eric and I discussed it - or rather Eric said - let's sign you up 3 seconds after her text - and we decided that I would go. This has been a crazy week.
I spent the weekend at our church's Women's Coference called "Sparkle" and I could have stayed there for a month if they ran it that long. I have been so dry and wiped out, that being there, worshiping with 1000 other women felt like standing in a rolling river and I just wanted to keep drinking it in. If anyone wants to hear 3 amazing, amazing messages you should check them out at RiverValley.org - media page. There will be a banner for Sparkle - Charllotte Gambil. I was with two other women - both at really hard stages of life - completely different from my own, but equally touched and renewed by the experience. Anyway, part of what I came away with is that I have to step out of my comfort zone and go do. It helps my hubby is almost pushing me out the door - but I'm actually not afraid - I'm excited and I know these trips will only lead us closer to God, and spurn us to do more, love more, take care of others more, and do so many of the things that we aren't doing enough of.
Go do my friends....go do!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
New Journey
Well now that I am done working.....again.....I hope to have more time to sit down and write out my thoughts. It's very theraputic for me - and I am often thinking how much I need therapy...he..he...
As I sit to write this post I am heavy hearted. About 5 or 6 weeks ago Tanner had a low grade fever for two days and spent most of them sleeping in my arms. When the fever finally subsided, he had such weird behavior that I sent him up to Children’s with Eric to make sure there was nothing serious going on in his little body. He was screaming in pain, arching his body from head to toe, wouldn’t let me change his clothes, put on or off socks, and started hating baths and started screaming in the car again. Though they didn’t find anything but some enlarged lymph nodes in his abdomen, I was fearful that the immune response brought on by the fever had triggered some sensory issues and I had hoped that I was wrong and that it would just go away.
But it hasn’t – he now hates sand or anything stuck to his hands or feet,
hates being wet, and screams like crazy when I try to apply lotion or
sunblock. He still hates getting dressed or undressed and hasn’t been sleeping
very well. Though I am not saying Tanner has Autism, sensory issues are a sign
that the potential is there or that future infections or diseases could trigger
further Autistic symptoms as long as his digestive system/immune system aren’t
functioning properly. He is still progressing, talking more each day and very
engaged socially – but today I could no longer deny that he was having sensory
issues. I find myself cherishing his eye contact each day....just in case it should go away like his big brother's did. I'm not dwelling on this though, we have already formulated a plan to get his gut, damaged by the large amount of antibiotics he's had thus far, back in shape and will be starting some tactile/reflex therapy which I have been told is usually successful if caught early.
Prayers are definately needed though. The new diet we have to embark on to fix his gut will be brutal on all of us and likely expensive. Prayers for a miracle to stop Tanner’s sensory issues would be welcomed, but also prayers for patience and persistence for all of us as we embark on this plan, as well as peace for me, that I will continue to trust God’s plan for him despite the things I have no desire to go through again. I am grateful I knew what to look for, and a network of people who could answer questions I didn't know the answers to.
As I sit to write this post I am heavy hearted. About 5 or 6 weeks ago Tanner had a low grade fever for two days and spent most of them sleeping in my arms. When the fever finally subsided, he had such weird behavior that I sent him up to Children’s with Eric to make sure there was nothing serious going on in his little body. He was screaming in pain, arching his body from head to toe, wouldn’t let me change his clothes, put on or off socks, and started hating baths and started screaming in the car again. Though they didn’t find anything but some enlarged lymph nodes in his abdomen, I was fearful that the immune response brought on by the fever had triggered some sensory issues and I had hoped that I was wrong and that it would just go away.
Prayers are definately needed though. The new diet we have to embark on to fix his gut will be brutal on all of us and likely expensive. Prayers for a miracle to stop Tanner’s sensory issues would be welcomed, but also prayers for patience and persistence for all of us as we embark on this plan, as well as peace for me, that I will continue to trust God’s plan for him despite the things I have no desire to go through again. I am grateful I knew what to look for, and a network of people who could answer questions I didn't know the answers to.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Guest Suite
So with the addition of Tanner - guests with kids have become a bit more challenging. Not that we mind, but I'm not a big fan of sleeping in the same room as Tanner :) Being he is teething again, he's often up and fussy in the middle of the night and its a lot harder to ignore in the same room. After seeing a few great guest room ideas on Pinterest, I decided to embark on a Skillestad Extreme Makeover for the guest room.
It actually took me a whole week to accomplish - which is like 6 months in Amy time - leading to many a night up till 2:00am with thoughts of projects yet to finish or start for that matter.
Task one - repaint. The room was pink - yes I said pink - and at the time I painted it I thought that was a splendid color. My husband has never been so excited to paint anything in his entire life. He HATED the pink. The room is now sporting cream and dark brown walls and my husband is much much happier.
It actually took me a whole week to accomplish - which is like 6 months in Amy time - leading to many a night up till 2:00am with thoughts of projects yet to finish or start for that matter.
Task one - repaint. The room was pink - yes I said pink - and at the time I painted it I thought that was a splendid color. My husband has never been so excited to paint anything in his entire life. He HATED the pink. The room is now sporting cream and dark brown walls and my husband is much much happier.
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| Before After |
As I said, space for children was the needed addition, so after several long, cold hours at the Builders Material Outlet I found some things to make myself a great kids bunk that wouldn't take up too much space. And my other most hated thing about the previous room was Eric's old college fridge in the corner, full of refreshments for entertaining that needed to be camouflaged. A little breakfast nook and extra cabinet door took care of that problem. Now all we need are some guests to test it out!
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| Breakfast nook - fridge hidden on left. |
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| Pinterest Idea - serving tray from old cabinet door. |
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Quiet and Worship
There aren't many quiet moments around here these days. If the house is quiet - I'm usually sleeping along with the rest of them. But a much needed Sunday afternoon nap has me enjoying a true quiet moment - time for reflection and prayer tonight.
My favorite quiet time place is in the dark, laying next to the fire with some great worship music on the Iphone. Tonights favorite worship song was "WHO I AM" by Jason Gray, which probably spoke to my heart because of another meaningful sermon this morning. I am so thankful for our new church, not that we didn't get fed at our previous one, but I am brought to tears each Sunday morning during worship - seriously, every Sunday. And the sermon series have been so targeted for things that I have recognized as struggles I have or things that have been on my heart.
The new series started this week is called UNthink and will be teaching us how to take our thoughts captive and how to foster a Christlike thought life. My life is FULL of negative thoughts. Body image, wife abilities, mother abilities - you name it I'm sure I tell myself that I suck at it. I think I do a pretty good job of covering up all these insecurities - YEP overacheiver comes to mind. And I do feel good about the things that I accomplish. Maybe that's why I'm so driven to finish things I start and to do them well - I need to be able to tell myself "Good Job".
But God didn't create me to be able to be good at something just so that could take his place as the reason I am worthy. I'm excited to learn how to stop the negative thoughts and to replace them with ones that are spoken from Christ's perspective. I have always struggled with intimacy with God, OK, if I'm realistic intimacy with most anyone. But I feel like if I get it figured out with God, everyone else will follow naturally. So, my goal this week is to be praying I will see, feel and know that I am a truely loved and wanted daughter of Him. The song I mentioned above will be my prayer this week. Lord, Remind me who I am to You.
WHO I AM - Jason Gray
Verse 1:
When I lose My way, And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see, Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places, When I can't remember what grace is.
Chorus:
Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.
Verse 2:
When my heart is like a stone, And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love, Afraid I'll never be enough,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved, Can you help me believe it.
Chorus:
Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
My favorite quiet time place is in the dark, laying next to the fire with some great worship music on the Iphone. Tonights favorite worship song was "WHO I AM" by Jason Gray, which probably spoke to my heart because of another meaningful sermon this morning. I am so thankful for our new church, not that we didn't get fed at our previous one, but I am brought to tears each Sunday morning during worship - seriously, every Sunday. And the sermon series have been so targeted for things that I have recognized as struggles I have or things that have been on my heart.
The new series started this week is called UNthink and will be teaching us how to take our thoughts captive and how to foster a Christlike thought life. My life is FULL of negative thoughts. Body image, wife abilities, mother abilities - you name it I'm sure I tell myself that I suck at it. I think I do a pretty good job of covering up all these insecurities - YEP overacheiver comes to mind. And I do feel good about the things that I accomplish. Maybe that's why I'm so driven to finish things I start and to do them well - I need to be able to tell myself "Good Job".
But God didn't create me to be able to be good at something just so that could take his place as the reason I am worthy. I'm excited to learn how to stop the negative thoughts and to replace them with ones that are spoken from Christ's perspective. I have always struggled with intimacy with God, OK, if I'm realistic intimacy with most anyone. But I feel like if I get it figured out with God, everyone else will follow naturally. So, my goal this week is to be praying I will see, feel and know that I am a truely loved and wanted daughter of Him. The song I mentioned above will be my prayer this week. Lord, Remind me who I am to You.
WHO I AM - Jason Gray
Verse 1:
When I lose My way, And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see, Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places, When I can't remember what grace is.
Chorus:
Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.
Verse 2:
When my heart is like a stone, And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love, Afraid I'll never be enough,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved, Can you help me believe it.
Chorus:
Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Bigger than Me
Our sermon last Sunday has been a thought provoking one for me this week. He talked about having a dream or goal that is bigger than what we can make happen on our own. That our faith is strengthened and required when we bring something to God in prayer that He alone can make happen. So I left there wondering what dream or goal I have that is bigger than me. I do have dreams.....sitting on a beach in Hawaii would be the foremost one I can think of....but I know that is not the kind of dream he was speaking of. What I've discovered about myself is that I don't really have dreams or goals to speak of, at least nothing I cannot physically do myself in a rather short period of time.
I think we all have an imaginary jar with our dreams and goals - and I think there are many kinds of jars. Full ones, ones with tons of ideas and ambition and there is no lack of God sized ones to pray about and have your faith increased by. Half full jars, with mostly small and attainable dreams/goals, but maybe one big crazy one that God can't wait for you to come to Him with. Then there is mine, which some may consider empty, but I consider even less. See, I had a jar of dreams, it was growing all the time - from the moment we started trying for a baby they were just multiplying like crazy. Big ones, little ones, short ones, and long ones, all kinds of wife and mommy and grandma dreams. Phew.... I can't even remember them all. But I felt like the moment I finally let it sink in that Andrew had Autism, I dropped my jar and it shattered into a million pieces. And it hurt so bad to even think about all the contents, that I just swept it up and put it somewhere I wouldn't have to think about it again.
The Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder this week and reminded me I have a jar - that God can fix my jar - and that its time I asked him to fix it and help me start to fill it again. I know my faith will never be strong or growing if I don't have dreams/goals that require I ask my heavenly father to help me or accomplish them for me. The hardest part of this is not letting him fix the jar, I actually miss it. But it is revisiting some of the dreams that are still dangling from the shards and debris that are already making me FEEL and REMEMBER and bringing me back to a place of sadness and pain. It doesn't last long anymore, and I know that God will use this to purify me and bring me to a place of deeper trust in Him. Maybe that is my God sized goal for 2012 - to open up the hidden and stuffed places I don't even know are there and find some more freedom.
I really do want the God sized dreams/goals - but my "I can do all things by myself" moto has kept me from wanting them or even asking for them. However, 2012 I'm going to try and tell myself each morning that "I can do all things through Christ" and to ask him for a God sized dream/goal - and then see what He gives me. Ask and it shall be given......
I think we all have an imaginary jar with our dreams and goals - and I think there are many kinds of jars. Full ones, ones with tons of ideas and ambition and there is no lack of God sized ones to pray about and have your faith increased by. Half full jars, with mostly small and attainable dreams/goals, but maybe one big crazy one that God can't wait for you to come to Him with. Then there is mine, which some may consider empty, but I consider even less. See, I had a jar of dreams, it was growing all the time - from the moment we started trying for a baby they were just multiplying like crazy. Big ones, little ones, short ones, and long ones, all kinds of wife and mommy and grandma dreams. Phew.... I can't even remember them all. But I felt like the moment I finally let it sink in that Andrew had Autism, I dropped my jar and it shattered into a million pieces. And it hurt so bad to even think about all the contents, that I just swept it up and put it somewhere I wouldn't have to think about it again.
The Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder this week and reminded me I have a jar - that God can fix my jar - and that its time I asked him to fix it and help me start to fill it again. I know my faith will never be strong or growing if I don't have dreams/goals that require I ask my heavenly father to help me or accomplish them for me. The hardest part of this is not letting him fix the jar, I actually miss it. But it is revisiting some of the dreams that are still dangling from the shards and debris that are already making me FEEL and REMEMBER and bringing me back to a place of sadness and pain. It doesn't last long anymore, and I know that God will use this to purify me and bring me to a place of deeper trust in Him. Maybe that is my God sized goal for 2012 - to open up the hidden and stuffed places I don't even know are there and find some more freedom.
I really do want the God sized dreams/goals - but my "I can do all things by myself" moto has kept me from wanting them or even asking for them. However, 2012 I'm going to try and tell myself each morning that "I can do all things through Christ" and to ask him for a God sized dream/goal - and then see what He gives me. Ask and it shall be given......
Monday, December 19, 2011
ITs Christmas Time
So as our family tries to get more missions focused, I am frequently reminded that we are terrible neighbors. We don't know hardly any of them, don't really talk to any of them, and those who we do know we aren't on very good terms with due to their children being bullies..... all that to say I have been prompted to be more Christlike to our neighbors this Christmas.
So feeling the need to invest in them, I decided to give Christmas baskets this year. On a limited budget with 7 neighbors surrounding us I did what every thrifty woman does......heads to her mother in laws basement for great things to decorate said baskets with. Then I proceeded to scour Pinterest for inexpensive gift ideas I could make. So thought I had come across the perfect cute gift to make - I soon found out I am not as talented as said blogger and my jars of cookie mix looked retarded. So, I changed gears and made them my own way and they turned out far better. So this is my version of the cowboy cookie jar gift.
So feeling the need to invest in them, I decided to give Christmas baskets this year. On a limited budget with 7 neighbors surrounding us I did what every thrifty woman does......heads to her mother in laws basement for great things to decorate said baskets with. Then I proceeded to scour Pinterest for inexpensive gift ideas I could make. So thought I had come across the perfect cute gift to make - I soon found out I am not as talented as said blogger and my jars of cookie mix looked retarded. So, I changed gears and made them my own way and they turned out far better. So this is my version of the cowboy cookie jar gift.
I cannot take claim to the recipe inside the jar so here is the site I used for the ingredients inside the jar. http://www.bakerella.com/mix-things-up/
As far as the outside - here's the lowdown.
Items you will need:
12 1/2 inch stripes of ribbon
6 1/2 x 7 1/2 inch squares of fabric cut in half for bandanas (roughly)
Labels that say Cowboy Cookies and Labels with instructions for baking ( I will post so you can print)
1: Fill the jar using the above recipe.
2: Hot glue on 12 1/2 inches of red ribbon about an inch from the bottom of the jar.
3: Glue or Double side tape the label on.
4: Glue or Double side tape the instructions on the top.
5: Roll the bandana material at the top 1/2 inch, two times, put the bandana on so that it is to the left side of the front and then glue on both ends in the back.
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| Add caption |
Friday, December 16, 2011
All Aboard
The final leg of our vacation was an adventure planned just for Andrew buddy. We debarked from our floating home of 7 days and headed for a suprise destination. Arriving 20 minutes later with a very excited young man after he noticed our new location.....the Amtrak station of Miami.
We did have a two hour wait - but Andrew could hardly control his excitement as we joined the line to board the train. "All aboard to Orlando, FL aboard the Silver Star line." announced the ticket man. "Wow, the Silver Star line. Dad did you hear that? It has 2 lounge cars, a dining car, a sleeping car, and a bunch of passenger cars." Andrew said. His excitement was contagious and we were already to get on with our final leg of our trip.
We settled into our sleeping car and I was so grateful we didn't have to get into another car where Tanner had to be strapped in somewhere. About an hour into our trip the porter came and told us the dining car was ready to serve lunch and off we went to enjoy our first of two meals about our train.
Pirate Adventure
Our Christmas cruise with my family was quite an adventure. The Blatzheims and Skillestads - took a break from the Carnival Liberty and boarded the Black Pearl. The kids had such a great time interacting with the pirates and I'm sure it is something they will remember for the rest of their lives......well all except for Tanner probably.
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| Captain Andrew |
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| Courtney & Lydia learning the dagger |
My Mermaid
So Courtney Mae has a major infatuation with mermaids this year. She begged and begged for us to buy her a tail so she could swim like one. After much searching around the internet I decided that was not going to happen. Who spends $100 on something she will hardly ever be able to wear? Not me! So I did the next best thing and ordered her a fin for $30 and purchased some fabric for $2 and did the best I could to create one myself. Even though the stiching is less than beautiful - it fit her perfect and she looked so cute!
Thanksgiving/Christmas Dinner
Friday, November 4, 2011
I'm 1!
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| Yellow napkins folded like bananas. |
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| Tanner's first cake! |
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| Oreos with chocolate coated centers and candy bananas |
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| Vines made of brown rolled paper with plush monkeys from the dollar store hanging from them. |
Monday, September 19, 2011
Their Smiles
One's smile shows pure joy
Usually basking in excitement
Contageous for sure
But rarely captured on film
One's smile shows pure beauty
Face glowing in perfect posing
Easy to capture its charm
One's smile shows pure love
You give one and one is returned
Not just on the lips
But the eyes give one too
I love my One's smiles
Usually basking in excitement
Contageous for sure
But rarely captured on film
One's smile shows pure beauty
Face glowing in perfect posing
Easy to capture its charm
One's smile shows pure love
You give one and one is returned
Not just on the lips
But the eyes give one too
I love my One's smiles
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Homeschooling
So....again sorry for the long intermission. Who knew having a baby was so exhausting and mentally draining. Awwww I did, that's why I said no more children...he...he.... Good thing he's so stinkin cute! Will post new photos soon. Anyway, on to todays post. So after a bad back to school night for Ms Courtney we decided rather suddenly and late for that matter - to homeschool her. Now if you have ever been in our home during homework time - I'm sure you are saying to yourself "They are going to rip each others hair out and hate each other." Yes, that thought crossed my mind. However, I have been feeling prompted by the Lord that I need to strengthen my relationship with her and create a safer (emotionally) and more loving environment for her. We don't have the best relationship. I will be the first to admit that, but I don't want it to be that way. Its not the way God intended us to be with each other, so through daily prayer and reliance on Him, I think this is going to be an amazing year for both of us. A year we will forever remember as the start of a close and bonded relationship that we never had before. I try not to blame the Autism for my lack of emotional closeness with the kids, but it is what it is. I can no longer use that as an excuse when God has commanded us to let him have all our junk and to live and love as Christ did. All this to say, yes, I recognize that the early road of this journey will undeniably challenging in many ways. Our communication and reponses to one another will have to be changed - but this first two weeks have gone really really well. (Except one day - She didn't just wake up on the wrong side of the bed - she woke up on the wrong side of the moon) She is excited to spend quality time with me - and I am excited to see her learning in an environment she is comfortable and doens't have anxiety. Only time will tell how successful of a teacher I shall be, but I am already leaps and bounds ahead of what kind of a mother I was.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Period.
So there is one (aside from the actual child) good thing about pregnancy - the long stretch without my monthly friend. Not that anyone wants to read that I suppose, but goes towards the rest of this post. Our family has recently be reintroduced to PMS. Uggg....I am not usually such an emotional mess - but PMS usually includes at least one good night of crying myself to sleep.
This time around I am struggling with fear again. Tanner hasn't been having much eye contact with me and it finally got to me last night. However, our sermon this morning was quite pertinent to my current state of mind - so - wait on the Lord and spend more time in his Word is what I must do.
This time around I am struggling with fear again. Tanner hasn't been having much eye contact with me and it finally got to me last night. However, our sermon this morning was quite pertinent to my current state of mind - so - wait on the Lord and spend more time in his Word is what I must do.
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