AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa

The last two days have been hard to put it mildly.   Courtney is refusing to put any effort into her schoolwork - and Andrew has turned into his evil alter-ego each night at bedtime.   It is so much harder dealing with them when I am alone, so to speak.  Yes there are 4 other adults in this condo - but none who are feeling like a total failure as a parent right now.

With no where else to go, because all of us are sleeping in one room, there is no escaping Andrew and that is by far the hardest thing for me.  I finally had to leave - just let the kids run/act crazy in the closed room while I go out and walk around the parking lot.  Not exactly the quiet seclusion I need - but the best I could do at the moment.   I put on some music and listened to several new songs Eric had recently purchased.   Sobbing, I sat down on the curb in a darkened shadow of a palm tree and the following song came on.  I've never heard it before - but might as well have been coming from my heart.

"Find You On My Knees"
  Kari Jobe

Troubles chasing me again,
Breaking down my best defence,
I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you
Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head.
I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
What if heartache still remains,
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cause You are faithful and

I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees, my knees.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,

Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

 As I sit here and write this - things are no better.  Andrew is being beyond difficult - and I have no means of making it better.   But I know I'm not alone, that peace and patience come from Him and since I have asked, He will provide.