Worth

Tonight I am feeling worthless, unwanted and alone.
I cry my eyes out on the steps in the shadows.
I come in and cuddle my sleeping baby,
The one I know who gazes at me with love and admiration.
So different from the words and looks of most the others.

I miss my husband, I miss words of encouragement.
I miss gestures that show I have value and am loved.
I know this trip has purpose, this trial has purpose,
But I spend each night in tears, hurting and alone.

Little help with the kids, but plenty of things to be said about them.
So many biting comments, rude looks and fake interactions.
I want real and I want to feel wanted.
God says to me, "I want you - you have value to me."
I will cling to that - four more days.

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa

The last two days have been hard to put it mildly.   Courtney is refusing to put any effort into her schoolwork - and Andrew has turned into his evil alter-ego each night at bedtime.   It is so much harder dealing with them when I am alone, so to speak.  Yes there are 4 other adults in this condo - but none who are feeling like a total failure as a parent right now.

With no where else to go, because all of us are sleeping in one room, there is no escaping Andrew and that is by far the hardest thing for me.  I finally had to leave - just let the kids run/act crazy in the closed room while I go out and walk around the parking lot.  Not exactly the quiet seclusion I need - but the best I could do at the moment.   I put on some music and listened to several new songs Eric had recently purchased.   Sobbing, I sat down on the curb in a darkened shadow of a palm tree and the following song came on.  I've never heard it before - but might as well have been coming from my heart.

"Find You On My Knees"
  Kari Jobe

Troubles chasing me again,
Breaking down my best defence,
I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you
Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head.
I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
What if heartache still remains,
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cause You are faithful and

I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees, my knees.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,

Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

 As I sit here and write this - things are no better.  Andrew is being beyond difficult - and I have no means of making it better.   But I know I'm not alone, that peace and patience come from Him and since I have asked, He will provide.

God's Love

Hawaii 2013.....  for those of you who know me well, you know Hawaii is my place of spiritual rejuvination.   And though this is something that I desperatly need right now - I have my three children with me this time and am living in a three bedroom condo with 11 other people.  Not exactly the restful, reflective atmosphere that I usually have when I come here.

Homeschool duties, cooking, constant cleaning up, bedtime battles.... the list of duties is endless and there is rarely a moment to myself.  I just kept asking myself "How am I going to find God in the mayhem, when I can't even get alone for 15 minutes to read my bible and I'm beyond tired by the time the kids go down?"  But last night, a friend of my sister/brother in law was speaking to a group of older people down on the YWAM campus.   I had read this man's book about his experiences being imprisioned in Iran.  I loved the book and my mom offered to take the kids so I could go.

Yay, finally an hour or so of time to get away and maybe, just maybe get a little spiritual refreshment.   My prayers regarding this trip have thus far focused on my being able to develop intimacy in my walk with God, an ability to feel his love and his presence.   So what do you think this talk was on.... his story intertwined with God's love and desire for intimacy with us.   We talked with Dan ( the speaker) before he left for the meeting and my brother-in-law Kory asked him what he was talking on.  Dan said he didn't know yet - God would take care of it.    So when that topic thoroughly weaved itself into his message- all I could think was "Thank you God, you did this just for me.  You knew my time was limited. You knew my time with you is sparse, and you gave me just what I needed."

At the end of the message he asked those who want more of Jesus, to feel real intimacy with Him, to stand so he could pray for them.   I shot up like a cannon!  I've learned that when I'm here, there is no hemming and haaaaing about throwing yourself into what God is prompting you to do. Do it, and he will answer.   It is what I want - it is my prayer for this trip and though I can't say I had any immediate feeling of  change.  I did cry out to him, surrender, and ask the barriers I have to be broken so I can walk closely with him in a new and amazing way.

I believing that starting last night, my walk with God will only grow deeper, stronger, and more intimate!