Bigger than Me

Our sermon last Sunday has been a thought provoking one for me this week.    He talked about having a dream or goal that is bigger than what we can make happen on our own.   That our faith is strengthened and required when we bring something to God in prayer that He alone can make happen.   So I left there wondering what dream or goal I have that is bigger than me.   I do have dreams.....sitting on a beach in Hawaii would be the foremost one I can think of....but I know that is not the kind of dream he was speaking of.   What I've discovered about myself is that I don't really have dreams or goals to speak of, at least nothing I cannot physically do myself in a rather short period of time. 

I think we all have an imaginary jar with our dreams and goals - and I think there are many kinds of jars.  Full ones, ones with tons of ideas and ambition and there is no lack of God sized ones to pray about and have your faith increased by.  Half full jars, with mostly small and attainable dreams/goals, but maybe one big crazy one that God can't wait for you to come to Him with.  Then there is mine, which some may consider empty, but I consider even less.   See, I had a jar of dreams, it was growing all the time - from the moment we started trying for  a baby they were just multiplying like crazy.  Big ones, little ones, short ones, and long ones, all kinds of wife and mommy and grandma dreams.   Phew....  I can't even remember them all.    But I felt like the moment I finally let it sink in that Andrew had Autism, I dropped my jar and it shattered into a million pieces.    And it hurt so bad to even think about all the contents, that I just swept it up and put it somewhere I wouldn't have to think about it again.

The Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder this week and reminded me I have a jar - that God can fix my jar - and that its time I asked him to fix it and help me start to fill it again.   I know my faith will never be strong or growing if I don't have dreams/goals that require I ask my heavenly father to help me or accomplish them for me.   The hardest part of this is not letting him fix the jar, I actually miss it.  But it is revisiting some of the dreams that are still dangling from the shards and debris that are already making me FEEL and REMEMBER and bringing me back to a place of sadness and pain.   It doesn't last long anymore, and I know that God will use this to purify me and bring me to a place of deeper trust in Him.   Maybe that is my God sized goal for 2012 - to open up the hidden and stuffed places I don't even know are there and find some more freedom.   

I really do want the God sized dreams/goals - but my "I can do all things by myself" moto has kept me from wanting them or even asking for them.   However, 2012 I'm going to try and tell myself each morning that "I can do all things through Christ" and to ask him for a God sized dream/goal - and then see what He gives me.   Ask and it shall be given......