Well it has been 5 weeks with give or take 4 hours of sleep a night and I think exhaustion is setting in. I hate getting out of bed and have so much work to do. Work work...house work....kids home work....you name it and I'm behind on it. Oh well, I guess that is why most people take 6 weeks maternity leave. Things have been a bit crazy around here - all 5 of us now have a cold. At least its not the flu I guess. I spent the last 15 mintues reading all of last month's blog posts and they were just the thing I needed to remind me not to worry so much about Tanner. I can't change the fact he has a cold, and I needed to remember that God certainly has a purpose on this earth for him and that He will take care of him. Far better care than I could ever give.
I also realized that somewhere along this Autism journey with Andrew..... likely during the first 3 years when I shut down in every way except what I needed to survive.....I have become very matter of fact and have little emotion or attachment to things. I can't really explain it - but I recognized in Eric's birth story post how much more he wrote, how much more he expressed about how he felt and handled the situation. I mostly stated facts and outcomes. I don't think I have always been this way, but I always feel the need to be in control - of my actions, emotions and surroundings. I know, I sound like a control freak and maybe in some way I am - but both Eric and I are also super spontaneous and I don't care if I always get my way. Maybe I just want to control what others think of me. I don't let others see whats going on on the inside. I do have an image to uphold you know - from childhood I have been the responsible one and I don't do things I don't/can't do well. I suppose a counselor would have some answers in this department - but who has time for that. Well enough introspection for one night. Tanner is sleeping now and so must I.
Prayers for 5 cold free Skills would be appreciated.
3 comments:
Prayers: check.
There is a time for mere survival. There is a time to learn from that time. :)
Well, I'm far from being a counselor but I know the first step to recovery is being aware of your weaknesses and knowing when it is time to let go and allow God to do what He has planned. We love you very much and are praying y'all get well soon so we can get together when we get back.
Just wanted to say that - I agree -I remember having a conversation with you and we were talking about "shutting down and being control freaks" I really did not understand at that time because I did not have kids and everything was still new - but I really get it more now. But I LOVE that God is good and its been amazing to see you - releasing and relinquishing and recognizing in your heart that He is in control and that is a good thing. Its been a ministry to me to know that in this last year. You guys are in my prayers
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