Memories....

Tonight I was looking thru some photos to hang and I found several old videos of the kids. We don't have hardly any videos of them as little tikes - sometimes I think it was because I knew I didn't want to go back to that place with Andrew. However, I did find some.

It brought back vivid memories of Andrew wandering around the house doing his funny little dance. We thought it was cute.....how was I supposed to know it was a way for him to grasp his surroundings because he was high from the gluten and dairy in his food. He danced and danced around the slide until Courtney's wails interuped his trance. He tottled on over to her - threw something at her - and then bent over to kiss her head. He then held both her hands and said something in "Andrew talk" and caressed her head only to give her several more kisses.

I remember begging God to allow him to speak - to allow me to hear "I love you mommy" at least once in my life from him. Oh how far we have come, but at the same time I wonder how many of the little ways did he express his love for me that I missed. The video made me cry, because though he couldn't speak to us, he obviously had so much love in his heart. Her cries pulled him out of his autism place to a place of intimacy with her and I had no idea that existed.

I often hear "I love you mom" from him now and rarely much sympathy and love for his sister...he...he. But, I am grateful for the reminders that despite what we think is the worst part of our lives, God gives us little bits of himself, little glimpses of love and hope if we just keep our eyes open to it. I intend on keeping my eyes peeled for the little blessings, the little clues as to what God has in store for us, and I'm not going to do my best not to get overwhelmed by the seemingly overwhelming obsticles that arrise.

Despite the autism....there is no child with a more beautiful and captivating smile.