What started as a fun game of Dora (Candyland type game) ended with this mess and my heartbroken. We had such a great summer with Andrew. No Level 1 (abusive) behaviors and he seemed to be on track to living a fairly normal life. But the last four to six weeks have been a slow regression back to days I was certain I would never have to experience again. My struggles with feeling God's lack of invovlement in my personal life are not being improved by our latest battle with Autism. Lately I feel that Andrew may have an alter ego living inside his little brain and when that alter ego hears the word "no" or "don't" he rears his ugly head and takes over our little boys body. The shouting of "Stupid Girl", "Darn it", "You're a Stink", other hurtful words are thrown non-stop and eventually comes to something physical. Tonight was a kick to the stomach. We escorted him to his room and proceeded to take most anything out of there we thought he could hurt himself with and locked the door until he could calm down. After a good half an hour of screaming hurtful things, and throwing anything we left in his room. He started to yell he was sorry, that he would be good now, to please let him out. We opened the door to find the above mess - his bedding all thrown off the bed and the mattress thrown on the floor, wallpaper ripped off the walls and he had urinated on the floor. Why God, why do I have to experience this all again - why when I am already feeling so far away from you do you let something happen that make me feel even more like you are not here, not helping, not watching out, I feel let down again. Left to wonder what I did to deserve this - why I can't help my little boy - why I have to watch him suffer. I am going to fast this week - I am going to pray for my son - and I am going to trust that God will meet me where I am at. And most of all I am going to believe that he will remove the alter ego that has no place in our home.
5 comments:
My prayers are with you Amy. There is SO much we will never understand. I will only pray for peace and answers for you. I'm sorry it is hard right now. Love you!
Oh, Ame. I am so sorry! I will call you later today. I love you. I will fast with you for parts of this week.
this makes me think of all the things we do to our Heavenly Father and how easy it is to think hardly nothing of it. yet He continues to love us and carry us anyway.
we were talking at the office about instant replay time when we get to heaven and how we'll provly see amazing close calls that we never realized. maybe He'll also show us some of these other things just to help us see a bigger picture of how great His love really is.
Amy, I am so sorry about this. I had no idea. Here I am talking to you about cupcakes and you're struggling with all of this with Andrew. I will pray for your family, specifically Andrew, and ask God that he be with you in this difficult time and give you strength to endure. Love ya, my friend! You are a good mom.
I haven't been around much and I am so sorry for all that you're going through, reading all this makes me feel so sad, we're all so excited when Andrew is doing better. I've also been battling with my relationship with the Lord and my lack of commitment to spend daily time with him.
I've also come to realize that I am not as good of a mom as I thought I was I simply can't do it on my own I need God's help, strength, perseverance in all things and specially to help me change my son's sleeping habits, It's been so hard and I don't understand why I can't just follow through and let him cry it out, my motherly feelings tell me to go get him but in my head I know that I need to let him learn. Anyway, I just wanted to share this cause I feel for you and hope we can be partners in prayer, sometimes interceding for others helps to take our focus away from our troubles. I'm committing to pray for my nephew daily and I will be checking in with you on things more often.
Thanks for sharing and even though we can't know exactly what you're going through, we are able to encourage and pray for you. Just one little reminder: You don't deserve all that, we hope these obstacles will make you even stronger.
Love you sister
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