Worth

Tonight I am feeling worthless, unwanted and alone.
I cry my eyes out on the steps in the shadows.
I come in and cuddle my sleeping baby,
The one I know who gazes at me with love and admiration.
So different from the words and looks of most the others.

I miss my husband, I miss words of encouragement.
I miss gestures that show I have value and am loved.
I know this trip has purpose, this trial has purpose,
But I spend each night in tears, hurting and alone.

Little help with the kids, but plenty of things to be said about them.
So many biting comments, rude looks and fake interactions.
I want real and I want to feel wanted.
God says to me, "I want you - you have value to me."
I will cling to that - four more days.

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa

The last two days have been hard to put it mildly.   Courtney is refusing to put any effort into her schoolwork - and Andrew has turned into his evil alter-ego each night at bedtime.   It is so much harder dealing with them when I am alone, so to speak.  Yes there are 4 other adults in this condo - but none who are feeling like a total failure as a parent right now.

With no where else to go, because all of us are sleeping in one room, there is no escaping Andrew and that is by far the hardest thing for me.  I finally had to leave - just let the kids run/act crazy in the closed room while I go out and walk around the parking lot.  Not exactly the quiet seclusion I need - but the best I could do at the moment.   I put on some music and listened to several new songs Eric had recently purchased.   Sobbing, I sat down on the curb in a darkened shadow of a palm tree and the following song came on.  I've never heard it before - but might as well have been coming from my heart.

"Find You On My Knees"
  Kari Jobe

Troubles chasing me again,
Breaking down my best defence,
I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you
Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head.
I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
What if heartache still remains,
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cause You are faithful and

I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees, my knees.

When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong
When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that

You lift me up, you'll never leave me searching,

Find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

 As I sit here and write this - things are no better.  Andrew is being beyond difficult - and I have no means of making it better.   But I know I'm not alone, that peace and patience come from Him and since I have asked, He will provide.

God's Love

Hawaii 2013.....  for those of you who know me well, you know Hawaii is my place of spiritual rejuvination.   And though this is something that I desperatly need right now - I have my three children with me this time and am living in a three bedroom condo with 11 other people.  Not exactly the restful, reflective atmosphere that I usually have when I come here.

Homeschool duties, cooking, constant cleaning up, bedtime battles.... the list of duties is endless and there is rarely a moment to myself.  I just kept asking myself "How am I going to find God in the mayhem, when I can't even get alone for 15 minutes to read my bible and I'm beyond tired by the time the kids go down?"  But last night, a friend of my sister/brother in law was speaking to a group of older people down on the YWAM campus.   I had read this man's book about his experiences being imprisioned in Iran.  I loved the book and my mom offered to take the kids so I could go.

Yay, finally an hour or so of time to get away and maybe, just maybe get a little spiritual refreshment.   My prayers regarding this trip have thus far focused on my being able to develop intimacy in my walk with God, an ability to feel his love and his presence.   So what do you think this talk was on.... his story intertwined with God's love and desire for intimacy with us.   We talked with Dan ( the speaker) before he left for the meeting and my brother-in-law Kory asked him what he was talking on.  Dan said he didn't know yet - God would take care of it.    So when that topic thoroughly weaved itself into his message- all I could think was "Thank you God, you did this just for me.  You knew my time was limited. You knew my time with you is sparse, and you gave me just what I needed."

At the end of the message he asked those who want more of Jesus, to feel real intimacy with Him, to stand so he could pray for them.   I shot up like a cannon!  I've learned that when I'm here, there is no hemming and haaaaing about throwing yourself into what God is prompting you to do. Do it, and he will answer.   It is what I want - it is my prayer for this trip and though I can't say I had any immediate feeling of  change.  I did cry out to him, surrender, and ask the barriers I have to be broken so I can walk closely with him in a new and amazing way.

I believing that starting last night, my walk with God will only grow deeper, stronger, and more intimate! 

Obedience

So I realize it has been a really...really...really long time since I have posted anything.   The thought has crossed my mind maybe twice since then that I should post an update, but just never got around to it.

I can honestly say life is pretty chaotic right now.  Between homeschooling Court, chasing around Tanner (whose favorite phrase right now is "I tooted"), dealing with dietary issues for all three kids, keeping up with housework, working through life changes and heartaches of friends, and feeling all around exhausted almost every minute of every day - I'm not left with much to say by the end of the day.   But I shall try to think of something profound to share with those of you who actually continue to check this...smile.

The last 12 months have been really hard in some ways, and so full of blessings in others.   Eric has become such a strong spiritual leader in our home this year and I am so proud of him for the man of God he is becoming.  I know that our family will be impacted in soooo many ways, by his obedience and heart for the Lord.   He went to Israel in April with my dad, brother and Kory (bro-in-law) and loved it.   Recently we decided that he would be going to Swaziland, Africa in December on a missions trip with our church.   One of the reasons we chose River Valley (and there are many), was that they offered at least one mission trip (most overseas) each month.  With so many opportunties, you don't really have an excuse not to find one that draws you in.    We threw around me taking a trip in 2013 and I was interested in China or Spain.  No real good reason, but sounded interesting.   However, I recieved a text this afternoon from a close friend who saw God orchestrating her to go on the trip to Cuba in March and she asked if I wanted to come along.   I got goosebumps - not sure if it was because I was so excited to see what God is doing in her life or if it was because I am indeed supposed to go.  But Eric and I discussed it - or rather Eric said - let's sign you up 3 seconds after her text - and we decided that I would go.  This has been a crazy week.

I spent the weekend at our church's Women's Coference called "Sparkle" and I could have stayed there for a month if they ran it that long.   I have been so dry and wiped out, that being there, worshiping with 1000 other women felt like standing in a rolling river and I just wanted to keep drinking it in.   If anyone wants to hear 3 amazing, amazing messages you should check them out at RiverValley.org - media page.  There will be a banner for Sparkle - Charllotte Gambil.    I was with two other women - both at really hard stages of life - completely different from my own, but equally touched and renewed by the experience.   Anyway, part of what I came away with is that I have to step out of my comfort zone and go do.   It helps my hubby is almost pushing me out the door - but I'm actually not afraid - I'm excited and I know these trips will only lead us closer to God, and spurn us to do more, love more, take care of others more, and do so many of the things that we aren't doing enough of.

Go do my friends....go do! 

New Journey

Well now that I am done working.....again.....I hope to have more time to sit down and write out my thoughts.   It's very theraputic for me - and I am often thinking how much I need therapy...he..he...

As I sit to write this post I am heavy hearted.   About 5 or 6 weeks ago Tanner had a low grade fever for two days and spent most of them sleeping in my arms. When the fever finally subsided, he had such weird behavior that I sent him up to Children’s with Eric to make sure there was nothing serious going on in his little body. He was screaming in pain, arching his body from head to toe, wouldn’t let me change his clothes, put on or off socks, and started hating baths and started screaming in the car again. Though they didn’t find anything but some enlarged lymph nodes in his abdomen, I was fearful that the immune response brought on by the fever had triggered some sensory issues and I had hoped that I was wrong and that it would just go away.

But it hasn’t – he now hates sand or anything stuck to his hands or feet, hates being wet, and screams like crazy when I try to apply lotion or sunblock. He still hates getting dressed or undressed and hasn’t been sleeping very well. Though I am not saying Tanner has Autism, sensory issues are a sign that the potential is there or that future infections or diseases could trigger further Autistic symptoms as long as his digestive system/immune system aren’t functioning properly. He is still progressing, talking more each day and very engaged socially – but today I could no longer deny that he was having sensory issues.   I find myself cherishing his eye contact each day....just in case it should go away like his big brother's did.   I'm not dwelling on this though, we have already formulated a plan to get his gut, damaged by the large amount of antibiotics he's had thus far, back in shape and will be starting some tactile/reflex therapy which I have been told is usually successful if caught early. 

Prayers are definately needed though.   The new diet we have to embark on to fix his gut will be brutal on all of us and likely expensive.  Prayers for a miracle to stop Tanner’s sensory issues would be welcomed, but also prayers for patience and persistence for all of us as we embark on this plan, as well as peace for me, that I will continue to trust God’s plan for him despite the things I have no desire to go through again.  I am grateful I knew what to look for, and a network of people who could answer questions I didn't know the answers to.  

Guest Suite

So with the addition of Tanner -  guests with kids have become a bit more challenging.   Not that we mind, but I'm not a big fan of sleeping in the same room as Tanner :)   Being he is teething again, he's often up and fussy in the middle of the night and its a lot harder to ignore in the same room.   After seeing a few great guest room ideas on Pinterest, I decided to embark on a Skillestad Extreme Makeover for the guest room.

It actually took me a whole week to accomplish - which is like 6 months in Amy time - leading to many a night up till 2:00am with thoughts of projects yet to finish or start for that matter.

Task one - repaint.   The room was pink - yes I said pink - and at the time I painted it I thought that was a splendid color.  My husband has never been so excited to paint anything in his entire life.   He HATED the pink.   The room is now sporting cream and dark brown walls and my husband is much much happier.

Before                                          After

As I said, space for children was the needed addition, so after several long, cold hours at the Builders Material Outlet I found some things to make myself a great kids bunk that wouldn't take up too much space.  And my other most hated thing about the previous room was Eric's old college fridge in the corner, full of refreshments for entertaining that needed to be camouflaged.  A little breakfast nook and extra cabinet door took care of that problem.   Now all we need are some guests to test it out!



Breakfast nook - fridge hidden on left.



Pinterest Idea - serving tray from old cabinet door.



Quiet and Worship

There aren't many quiet moments around here these days.   If the house is quiet - I'm usually sleeping along with the rest of them.  But a much needed Sunday afternoon nap has me enjoying a true quiet moment - time for reflection and prayer tonight.

My favorite quiet time place is in the dark, laying next to the fire with some great worship music on the Iphone.   Tonights favorite worship song was "WHO I AM" by Jason Gray, which probably spoke to my heart because of another meaningful sermon this morning.   I am so thankful for our new church, not that we didn't get fed at our previous one, but I am brought to tears each Sunday morning during worship - seriously, every Sunday.   And the sermon series have been so targeted for things that I have recognized as struggles I have or things that have been on my heart.

The new series started this week is called UNthink and will be teaching us how to take our thoughts captive and how to foster a Christlike thought life.   My life is FULL of negative thoughts.  Body image, wife abilities, mother abilities - you name it I'm sure I tell myself that I suck at it.   I think I do a pretty good job of covering up all these insecurities - YEP overacheiver comes to mind.   And I do feel good about the things that I accomplish.  Maybe that's why I'm so driven to finish things I start and to do them well - I need to be able to tell myself "Good Job".   

But God didn't create me to be able to be good at something just so that could take his place as the reason I am worthy.   I'm excited to learn how to stop the negative thoughts and to replace them with ones that are spoken from Christ's perspective.   I have always struggled with intimacy with God, OK, if I'm realistic intimacy with most anyone.  But I feel like if I get it figured out with God, everyone else will follow naturally.   So, my goal this week is to be praying I will see, feel and know that I am a truely loved and wanted daughter of Him.  The song I mentioned above will be my prayer this week.   Lord, Remind me who I am to You.

WHO I AM - Jason Gray

Verse 1:

When I lose My way, And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see, Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places, When I can't remember what grace is.

Chorus:
Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

Verse 2:
When my heart is like a stone, And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love, Afraid I'll never be enough,
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved, Can you help me believe it.

Chorus:
Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.